Aggressive behaviours are common in children of all ages. From the three-year-old who’s still experiencing emotional regulation difficulties to the teenager who’s going through a rebellious phase, everyone experiences anger and is prone to acting out as a result. 

Anger and aggression in themselves are far from just negative. In fact, they’ve played an evolutionary role, helping us survive as a species. The problem with young people is that they simply don’t have the emotional and experience-based tools to deal with aggression in a productive way. 

This is where parents need to step in, offering guidance and reassurance to overcome problematic behaviours. 

How to Help Children Cope with Self-Aggression and Aggression – that was the topic of the first Parent Academy the British School of Sofia (BSS) held this academic year. Emilia Ilieva-Kraynova, a master trainer on empathy and non-violent communication, delivered a lecture to address some typical scenarios. The presentation was followed by a round of parental questions that allowed for the examination of more specific challenging situations and the best ways these can be addressed.

“I believe that empathy is one of the skills of the future,” Ilieva-Kraynova commented. “The skill of how to be truly connected to each other on the level of our feelings and our needs is something which will determine the quality of our lives and those of our children,” she concluded.

Kraynova’s approach towards addressing aggressive behaviour is based on non-violent communication. Non-violent communication is defined as communication between people which is based on human feelings and human needs. While this is a practical and easy to understand definition, we are also conditioned to act as rational beings from an early age. As a result, we try to connect with children in an ineffective way.

Whenever children do something wrong like hitting another kid at the playground, parents typically aren’t invested in discovering the feelings or needs that led to the action. Instead, most will come from the perspective that what the child has done is wrong and that message has to be emphasised in that very moment.

As a result of this typical response, we are not building a relationship based on needs but we’re building a relationship based on our ideas of what’s right and what’s wrong. This disconnect creates a gap between the parent and the child – the child needs an emotional connection but parents try to relate with an intellectual understanding. 

Because of this disconnect, relationship-based parenting is so difficult. 

For an individual to address the disconnect, Kraynova recommends observing ourselves as parents while communicating with children. Are we approaching conversations from an intellectual standpoint (focused on what children should be doing) or are we approaching with a willingness to connect? If we’re not conscious, we almost always interact from an intellectual perspective, emphasising what is right and what is wrong. 

Changing a communicational approach requires will on behalf of the parent. Quieting that intellectual voice and disciplining one’s mind is essential to begin building a relationship that is based on feelings and needs. Gradually, this type of interaction starts being more natural and easier to carry out every single time.

To illustrate this concept, Kraynova described a typical situation that most parents have had to deal with. 

Envision the following scenario – two children are interacting at a playground. Eventually, one child decides to take the other’s toy without asking for permission. One child is happy because they have a toy and the other is visibly upset. As a parent, most people will approach the situation from the perspective that taking someone’s toy without asking for permission is not ok. Blaming the child and telling them that such behaviour is unacceptable, however, will rarely contribute to the desired outcome.

The right approach in that instance would be to first pay attention to the needs of the upset child.

Once this happens, a parent should then approach communication with their own child from an empathetic perspective.

Asking questions about the child’s feelings is the best way to go. For example, suitable questions may be: 

• Did you feel excited about taking the toy and enjoying it on your own?
• Are you happy that the toy is all yours now?
• Does the fact you took the toy make you feel powerful and strong?

Chances are that the child will give positive answers to all those questions.

Getting a positive response immediately starts building a stronger relationship that recognised and acknowledges emotions. Children feel seen and heard, which allows for the situation to be addressed more effectively in the long run.

The child will feel understood. When this kind of connection is established, a parent will have a much better chance of presenting their ideas to a child and promoting a certain kind of behaviour in the future. 

This type of communication refrains from attempting to invite guilt. Guilt is usually created when a parent points out that the other child in the scenario mentioned above is disappointed. The aim of that approach is to make the child feel worse and correct their behaviour.

In Kraynova’s observations, however, people are much more likely to introduce positive change whenever they feel good instead of being shamed or guilted into correcting something a parent deems inappropriate behaviour.

Guilt doesn’t inspire children to look for a better solution. The only thing it does is making a child feel bad.

To sum it up, a parent shouldn’t encourage unacceptable behaviours but it’s also not a good idea to put the blame on the child. When this happens, a young person feels understood and more connected.

At the end of the day, being more at peace with the fact children will face aggression is an important goal a parent should set. Aggression is unavoidable. In the words of Kraynova, if we kill aggression, we are aggressive. Knowing how to handle it and supporting our children through the process is the key to wholesome communication that equips young people with the tools needed to face challenging situations.

Getting children recognising and naming their emotions is empowering. A child should be free and comfortable enough to let a parent know that they’re angry. Being able to notice and emotion and express it lessens the intensity of that feeling. Whenever the intensity is decreased, a child becomes much more likely to express themselves than to engage in an aggressive action like hitting someone else.

To sum it up, the best parental response should focus on the need that motivated an aggressive action and getting that need expressed or vocalised by the child. Even young children know what’s right and wrong. Lecturing, instead of trying to connect, will simply fall on deaf ears whenever a parent is attempting to reason with an angry child overcome by emotion. If a child does something unacceptable, something the parent doesn’t approve of, it’s because they were incapable of coming up with a better solution for the situation. This usually doesn’t happen because a child is unaware of the best way to act. 

Telling children they did something bad isn’t helpful. They already know that. Instead, children would fare much better in the future by knowing they have parental support and someone who can offer guidance whenever the emotions have subsided and a conversation can be carried out. 

Following the lecture, Kraynova answered some pressing questions parents had. 

Self-aggression ranked among the prioritised topics. An extensive theme on its own, it shifted the focus towards internalised anger and the feeling of not being accepted and not being enough.

According to Kraynova, self-aggression starts with small instances of not being understood. A failure to connect on an emotional level often leads to such feelings. Eventually, the negative self-talk can escalate into something bigger like self-harm because of the way a child feels.

Another interesting question also focused on whether children should be asked to apologise whenever they’ve been aggressive or they’ve acted in another unacceptable way. 

Getting someone to apologise isn’t the answer because in many situations that apology would be insincere. Children who are still dealing with big emotions and who are made to offer an apology will potentially feel even angrier. That parental approach isn’t conducive of positive change in the long run and it doesn’t really contribute to finding a resolution that works for everyone involved. 

How to Help Children Cope with Self-Aggression and Aggression is the beginning of an educational initiative for parents that BSS intends to continue carrying out throughout the academic year.

BSS is focused on educating parents, making our community stronger, and providing the resources needed to help children grow up happy, strong, and confident.

Apart from scheduling regular Parent Academy seminars, the British School of Sofia also has a school counselor who’s always ready and open to discuss specific scenarios and help families cope with those in the best way possible.